Will You Marry Me . . . and Show Me Your Credit Report?

These days, more than 40 percent of weddings involve a bride or groom who has been married before. And one - sometimes both - have children from a previous relationship. Statistics tell us that 70 percent of second marriages with stepchildren fail.    

Remarried couples often end up with a your children, my children, our children family along with numerous well-meaning but less known grandparents, step grandparents, half siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins – and the different lifestyles and expectations of each.  Talk about obstacles standing in the way of having a successful second or third happily ever after!

Love may be lovelier the second time around but marriage is more complicated than ever.  Midlifers who are remarrying are typically wealthier than the first time they walked down the aisle and should be concerned about protecting whatever assets they bring to the marriage.

That means for better or for worse - say the word "pre-nup".  A pre-nuptial protects your assets.  It keeps them separate from your spouse's.  It protects your assets from your spouse in the event of a divorce.  And a pre-nup can be especially useful if you have children from a prior marriage and want to be sure your assets pass to them when you die. 

If you're like most of our generation, you want to preserve assets for your children while providing for your spouse.  My estate planning attorney suggested I consider a QTIP – which stands for Qualified Terminal Interest Property.  It's a trust that after my death would give my husband access to my assets during his lifetime but enables those assets to pass to my children upon his death. 

In the midst of second marriage "big love" with children from previous relationships – for those of us 50 and older – we have financial questions and considerations that weren't necessarily part of being a young newlywed:

• Do you have enough life and disability insurance? The sooner you buy it the cheaper the coverage.
• Have you changed your beneficiary designations?  Update insurance policies, trusts, retirement plans, IRAs and any other pertinent documents or you could inadvertently be leaving money to an ex-spouse.
• Have you updated your will?  Every adult needs his or her own will and it needs to be looked at with every major life change – marriage, birth, death, divorce, widowhood.
• Are there obligations under a previous divorce decree?  You'll need to know the dollar amount of any recurring financial obligations such as child support and alimony and whether an ex-spouse has rights to any of your future retirement plan earnings.

I always tell any couple that's getting married that the best gift to give each other is a copy of each other's credit report.  Yes, the documents that contain your financial truths - for better or for worse because when it comes to money issues – you can talk about them now or fight about them later.

Midlifers who've been married before and are marrying again need to show each other the money:  the debt existing before marriage, which of you will be responsible for it, whether you'll share assets earned after the marriage and especially how you'll meet financial obligations from previous marriages.

The way you and your spouse choose to deal with money will represent how you value each other's expectations about the path that's leading to your retirement.  Just because you're aligned of the heart doesn't mean you won't be challenged by the stresses, sticking points, pitfalls, perils, expectations, and the drama and trauma of marriage with children from previous relationships.

"Big love" means many more people have claims on your time, attention, and emotions – all of which can be obstacles in your way to a successful remarriage.  So anticipate them and resolve them together so that even though your "nest" may be crowded, your marriage can grow and thrive.